Ex_turned_caregiver, caregiving again

The Ex met me at the carport door when I arrived Monday afternoon, clinging to the doorjam for balance, tears streaming down his face. He emphatically whispered, "I'm so glad you're back," and he hugged me hard.

He's a little thinner, maybe. Certainly more pale. The tumor in his cerebellum is wrecking his balance and his voice is gone.

On Tuesday we met with the oncologist who said results of the last PET scan showed no change. I don't believe there was no change... there had to be SOME change,
but I think I am too emotionally drained to push for the written report and the images on CD as I've done so many times before. At this point, what does it matter? My 54-year-old Ex and father of my only child is dying. It breaks my heart.

From the oncologist's office we proceeded across the parking lot with the vegetables planted in the medians to the radiologist's office. There, we were told this can go one of two ways: He could get Cyberknife, a concentrated 3-day radiation, or just general radiation to his brain 5 days a week for two weeks.

Conditions that may preclude cyberknife include the exact location of the tumor and the degree of edema surrounding it. It was during this meeting that The Ex learned from the radiation doc that he should not drive with a tumor in his cerebellum. No driving, no work. No work, no insurance, no life insurance. To The Ex, it's a fate worse than death.

Later that day, we visited an attorney. Ironically enough, he was my divorce attorney, but The Ex decided my attorney was more trustworthy and affordable than his was. The attorney was extremely flattered that we asked him to review The Ex's will and his Living Will, and council us on what we need to ensure The Ex's last wishes are not usurped by the government he despises.

I asked for a quote from the lawyer before I made the appointment. About $500 the lawyer said. I relayed this information to The Ex, and he sighed loudly.

Before we left for the appointment, The Ex fished his will, other legal papers and at least one of his pieces of investment gold from the "safe." I love the "safe." Makes me laugh every time I see it. Sure, it's fireproof, but it wouldn't be hard to walk off with it if you knew where to find it. What is so safe about that?

The lawyer says we need a power of attorney so that I can handle all legal affairs on The Ex's behalf. He also noted that I am not a legal candidate for Executor of Estate in Florida, since I'm not a relative and not a resident of Florida. They don't have Executors in Florida, he adds. We have "personal representatives."

So, once again, The Ex asks the lawyer how much for a will revision and power of attorney. Five Hundred dollars, the lawyer says. "WHAT?!" The Ex shouts in a whisper. "FOR WHAT?! I CAN DO WHAT YOU DID ON MY OWN COMPUTER!" Never was a whisper uttered so loudly.

I was a little embarrassed, but not surprised. We opted for a new power of attorney for $250, and we will correct the errors in the will using our QuickBooks will program.

Today, we went to the ENT doc to see the exact cause of The Ex's voice loss. ENT says one of his vocal chords is paralyzed, probably due to the metastatic disease in his chest.

He slid his scope in The Ex's nostril and down his throat to view the larynx. The left vocal chord is stuck in the open position. This might be fixed with surgery, if The Ex were to make it to remission. And that's not happening, so the voice loss is most likely permanent.

The Ex always been a loud man, which I always attributed to his deafness. He has already proved that he can be loud in a whisper, but he is more discouraged than ever.

Not only can he NOT drive, but now he can't speak -- though make no mistake; he still communicates clearly enough. I just need to get him a bell so I'll know when to come close enough to hear him.

"It wasn't supposed to end this way," he says. "I know," I say, "but it's never really been your plan, either."

I hope someday he'll come to understand that his life has been his own, but it's always been part of God's own plan. I've had enough of this plan, though. And I'm sure The Ex has, too.