Ex_turned_caregiver, going back to Ex

It was just starting to feel like home again. I knew where I was when I woke up and I eventually recovered my memories of where we keep stuff in our home. Our cupboards here are as sparse as the Ex's cupboards are overflowing; truly a lesson in lifestyles.

Labor Day weekend, my husband rented a car, drove all night and met me in Jax, FL, where we
returned the car and R&R'd at a nice RV Park there. The next day, we took a lazy "stroll" up the east coast through Myrtle Beach to VA, arriving just in time to start the week without missing a beat at my job.

Since then, I've been caregiving from afar. Not equipped with Go-Go-Gadget arms, I have had to rely on our son and friends to be with the Ex in person, when I thought he needed someone to be there, if only for a hug. Living with cancer is no time to be so all alone.

The Ex and I speak by phone daily, sometimes several times a day. Sometimes he lies and says he feels ok, but what I hear in his voice is more true. He's getting tired of hurting, of doctors, of scans, and the battle of his daily job, which he must keep to keep the insurance that pays for his treatment that keeps him alive so he work to pay the insurance that keeps him alive so he can work... Well, you get the gist.

In the past few weeks though, The Ex began suffering from headaches and vertigo. As soon as his oncology doc heard that, she ordered another brain scan.

Last time, we thought it was funny to say that his last brain scan showed nothing there (heh)... but this time we weren't so lucky. There is something there besides his brain.

He's developed a new golfball-size met to his cerebellum which controls coordination. Later last week, he got a new PET scan. On Tuesday, we'll get the results of that scan, and if no improvement, The Ex says he'll forego brain radiation, and if he does that, the doc says he'll only have 3 months left. (But, she's been wrong before... The Ex was given 3-6 months last Feb 09).

Four days after his PET scan, The Ex lost his voice. He has never had voice problems. Never! And now he can only whisper. I tried to find out if the solutions required from PET scans might cause this side reaction, but I didn't find a word about it. This was his 4th scan anyway, and this has never happened before. So I wonder if maybe there is more cancer in his throat.

Whatever this is, I suspect it isn't good. Today, we're doing a little maintenance on my RV, and I will be returning to the The Ex's home shortly thereafter.

I suspect I will stay with The Ex until the end, but this time, I am not choosing my Ex over my husband for holidays.

The Ex and The Husband have agreed that if I am going to be with The Ex for Thanksgiving and Christmas, The Husband will join us for dinner and celebrations. It's been 7 years and the two have never met. It's time.

The Ex needs to meet the man who makes his caregiving possible, and also meet the man who is his son's step-father. I think that will also make The Ex feel a little better about leaving us behind. We will have one of the World's kindest of men to watch out for us, even after The Ex is gone.

On this trip, I will be bringing my plants with me. They didn't exactly thrive in my absence the last time I was away for 6 months caring for my dear Ex.

I don't have a lot of plants now, but they are mostly bonsais, and they give me great pleasure and distraction from my own noisy brain while I endure my inner cacophony of worry about work and family.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. I will probably be posting more often as soon as I've relocated.

If you are a SCLC patient, or a family member, and new to radiation and or chemo, please read all my journals for some insight on what you might expect in your journey.

As our journey continues, I will continue to post our experiences -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- in hopes someone else may be helped, or eased, or in some crazy way, enlightened by these musings.

With warm regards to all,

Ex_turned_Caregiver_turned_wife_turned_Caregiver_Again