Radiation Therapy - Recovery Weekend

Patient to Doc: "Hey Doc! It hurts when I do this."
Doc to Patient: "Don't do that!"

Finally, we don't have to do that anymore.


The Ex had the last of 15 radiation treatments two days ago.

Yesterday, he slept most of the day at my urging. I figured he was tired, it was Saturday and there was really nothing essential to do. Why not just sleep? He resisted a nap as much as he could, but eventually fatigue and sleep always win these battles and he fell asleep on the couch.

Even grocery shopping isn't a priority anymore -- at least it wasn't at that point, yesterday.

It became more of a priority when we realized we were out of milk last night. I went to the grocery by myself, which I almost NEVER do, and I even remembered the milk. I'm just trying to adapt and overcome, because as he weakens physically, so do I, mentally.

He is still upset that he didn't get to the grocery this weekend. God forbid we miss any BOGOs at Publix. There was a square inch of unfilled cupboard space, and we just can't have that! A hurricane might strike, and we won't have that ONE can of peas that we must have to survive!

He was up several times in the night, despite taking Lunesta before bed. 'Course, he'd slept all day. Now his clock is a little messed up.

All these breaks in his schedule are making him crazy -- frustrated, angry, then sad and hopeless. He can't control what he does and when and he's a little angry with me about that. But that's okay. If you were here, he'd be mad at you, too.

When he hurts my feelings, I try not to let him see me cry. It's not his fault I'm so sensitive, so weepy, so torn up about this freight train heading right at us.

After another slow start this a.m., he announced he was bored and that we must go out. He wouldn't eat anything, but he did drink one of the nutritional drinks I bought at the grocery last night -- it's the NEW Adult Beverage in this house.

Having a mission seemed to revitalize him for a little while. He said he felt much better just for getting dressed.

He is no longer complaining of the chronic pain in his back, so we removed the Duragesic patch in hopes that might help get rid of some of the nausea. He's had no pain meds today at all. Said he didn't hurt and didn't need them.

So we went to Sam's to look for cruisewear for his May 3-7 cruise. He picked out a few items, and later, he even (very slowly) modeled some of his outfits for me. (Gawd, I hope he never finds this thread. He'd kill me for calling them "outfits" and for calling him slow).

The fashion show was cute, I thought. (Are ALL men color-blind?!) And I was encouraged that he is so hopeful he'll make that cruise. That's something pretty cool to live for.

With his permission, I got vacation protection for his cruise today, saying it was to recover his purchase if he or anyone in the group can't make the trip.

In reality, the policy excludes coverage of claims from pre-exisiting conditions, EXCEPT for emergency evacuation, repatriation of remains, and trip refunds due to death, and those things alone are more than worth the price of the insurance.

Sam's was all he could do today, so we went home and vegged, while he kicked himself for not being able to do more. There was just no consoling him.

He keeps complaining about his stomach. No dry heaves today, or maybe he fears the phenergan. (Innuendo = Italian Suppositories). Just general discomfort, he says. I think it could be hunger pains or diverticulosis.

He tries to eat, but I bet he's only consuming about 800-900 calories a day, if that. For the first time, he asked me to help him lift his legs up on the couch so he could recline there.

His once-beefy linebacker thighs are white, thin and flabby. He sees this and tells me he just HAS to get more exercise! He thinks he's going to rebuild those muscles. I think going to Sam's is exercise enough.

He's going to have to come to these conclusions on his own. I am not here to discourage his hope for energy to make new muscles, but I wish he could see reality a little more clearly.

I noticed today that the skin on his face was cracked and dry, so I put some vitamin E and aloe face cream to relieve that.

This evening he is watching TV VERY LOUDLY BECAUSE HE IS MOSTLY DEAF. (That has nothing at all to do with the Radiation; he's ALWAYS BEEN MOSTLY DEAF).

He has headphones, but he's not using them because I'm not in the room. I'm not in the room because I don't care for the movie: Rocky III AND the gut-wrenching commercials about abused and abandoned animals, in between cuts.

I wondered if the movie would rally him to find the Eye of the Tiger and FIGHT CANCER, but he seems pretty tired for that tonight. And I just couldn't watch it.

I can't watch people hitting each other. I can't watch people die. I can't watch Sylvester Stallone. I gotta think of my own stomach, sometimes.

We need some recovery from his stomach symptoms soon. It's better than it was, but can it be better still?

Will the nausea go away soon if he doesn't start chemo? He REALLY wants to feel better and to enjoy a meal. Eating was always his favorite thing to do.

Will he ever enjoy eating again?

We meet with Hospice tomorrow for a consult. The Ex plans to work here in the morning and be here when the Hospice nurse comes by. She will see him at his best and her assessment will miss some important issues. You watch.

He has a fear and suspicion of Hospice after an experience with his father. So we'll have to knock down that wall before we can get anywhere. Then they might be able to talk to him about how Hospice can help.

He's just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Dying is really screwing up his daily routine, and he doesn't like it one bit. Until he realizes the daily routine isn't that important in the grand scheme of things, he will be uncomfortable in any transition to official, in-home, palliative care.

Let's pray for clarity, however and whenever that should come.