"Well! Does he want chemo? Or does he want Hospice?"

... the receptionist snipped at me as we were trying to nail down a schedule for his chemo.

Next week isn't good, I have to be away for work and our son is filling-in on Dad duty. Tomorrow is too soon for an all day gig. We had no idea chemo took all day!

The Ex is scared, he says, of sitting all day with a needle in his arm. Nobody warned us
chemo took all day. And he has this cruise scheduled -- don't want the chemo too soon before that. Some have suggested if he doesn't have chemo, he might not make the trip at all.

After a good bit of give and take with the receptionist, she offered a chance to start tomorrow... two days in the office, one day at the hospital.

When the Ex came home from work, I told him of this plan and he sat down -- POOF! -- like a sack of flour. And then he was flat, emotionless, staring off into space.

Tomorrow is too soon. Any day may be too soon, now that he knows he'll lose a full day to chemo, just from sitting in the chair!

He said he couldn't think about it anymore, and went off to meet his friends for Boy's Night, and maybe a massage.

Meanwhile, the Doc's office calls back. "He won't go tomorrow? No? Well, DOES HE WANT CHEMO OR DOES HE WANT HOSPICE?" she asked. "It's not that simple," I replied meekly.

At this point, I lose it. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what's best. She suggests speaking with him personally, and I say that's a great idea. "May I have a number where he can call you back?" She says he can call the office tomorrow, they're going home for the day.

"I'll have him call tomorrow," I sighed and hung up.

I sat and sobbed for a little bit and fought off a temptation to call the Hospice counselor and ask her what she thought about this. Shouldn't call her, though, we're not signed up for Hospice.

Well, does he want chemo? Or does he want hospice? I don't think he wants either right now. He just needs time to think.

He was tired this afternoon, but still put in a full day's work and had an appetite. But this chemo news brought him down like a stone. Maybe being with friends will brighten his spirits.

As for me, I guess I'm having my own little pity party. How dare they schedule chemo for the only 3 days i have to be away this month? I wish I had the courage to ask for the time off, but there's no one to take my place, and you just don't let down a good employer in this day and economy. Not if you want to keep your job (especially if that job lets you work anywhere and simultaneously offer care for your poor Ex).

How dare The Ex refuse the alternate appointment I arranged to accommodate MY schedule? Well, of course he dared. In my keen eye for justice, I can see that it's his right to refuse, and he is, after all, The Ex.

I'm stepping back now and letting him make his chemo appointments, and schedule them around his work and his cruise anyway he wants.

Just once, though, I'd really like to have my cake and eat it too.