Yesterday's discomfort lasted well into the morning hours of today. I finally fell asleep around 3:30 a.m. on what used to be my side of the bed -- fully clothed, on top of the covers.
What I found when I awoke was nothing short of miraculous. The Ex was gone -- UP, SHOWERED, DRESSED and WORKING!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Eleven
Effects from the radiation hit today, and they hit hard. I can't think of anything funny about it. Well, maybe the "Ah-Ah Bowl." More on that later.
The Ex slept late, felt sick when he awoke, and sadly, did not have the energy to bother with his work shirt and pants and shoes, or sit at his desk, or play with his hand-held device as he has every day since his diagnosis Feb. 26, 2009.
He didn't want to go to radiation, and I tried to encourage him to go. Seems like, if the doc said he should have 15 treatments, 1 a day for 3 workweeks, we should do that. But I wasn't sure WHY he should do that, and this afternoon I think he was a little mad at me for making him go.
The Ex slept late, felt sick when he awoke, and sadly, did not have the energy to bother with his work shirt and pants and shoes, or sit at his desk, or play with his hand-held device as he has every day since his diagnosis Feb. 26, 2009.
He didn't want to go to radiation, and I tried to encourage him to go. Seems like, if the doc said he should have 15 treatments, 1 a day for 3 workweeks, we should do that. But I wasn't sure WHY he should do that, and this afternoon I think he was a little mad at me for making him go.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Ten
Up at the usual dawn, The Ex miraculously reported no pain when he finally sat down at his desk, fully dressed for work, promptly at 8 a.m.
I like to be at my desk promptly at 8 a.m., too... earlier if possible, but at my home in VA, I rarely take the time and trouble to dress.
So, Day Ten is also a big deal for me. That is 10 scheduled, calendar days that I have wakened, showered, dressed and made any appointment. It's good to know I can still do it, though it wouldn't be my personal fav for a Perfect World.
I like to be at my desk promptly at 8 a.m., too... earlier if possible, but at my home in VA, I rarely take the time and trouble to dress.
So, Day Ten is also a big deal for me. That is 10 scheduled, calendar days that I have wakened, showered, dressed and made any appointment. It's good to know I can still do it, though it wouldn't be my personal fav for a Perfect World.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Nine
Another nice day in Exville! Great news on The Ex's brain scan -- NOTHING THERE! heh. Nothing abnormal anyway. I was thrilled. The Ex was nonplussed.
He had a pretty good day and actually managed to put in a full working day, though much of it was busywork from home, and I had to remind him about what he'd done today when he sat down to input his hours in the handheld monster. Wait, that didn't sound right. I mean that cursed little handheld computer that schedules his work and keeps track of his hours.
He had a pretty good day and actually managed to put in a full working day, though much of it was busywork from home, and I had to remind him about what he'd done today when he sat down to input his hours in the handheld monster. Wait, that didn't sound right. I mean that cursed little handheld computer that schedules his work and keeps track of his hours.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Eight
After a perfectly miserable evening of Day Seven, Day Eight greeted us with blue skies and minimal pain, after The Ex reluctantly switched back to the Duragesic patches last night. They make him slurry and stupid, and we're going to talk to the Rad-Onco about that tomorrow.
We took The Ex's vehicle to the fixit place. It was his first ride in my only car, a 23-ft RV. The RV's been stationary for a couple weeks. It needed a little run down the road.
After that, we returned to the house and I was able to work some before our 11:15 radiation.
We took The Ex's vehicle to the fixit place. It was his first ride in my only car, a 23-ft RV. The RV's been stationary for a couple weeks. It needed a little run down the road.
After that, we returned to the house and I was able to work some before our 11:15 radiation.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Seven
All day long, I've been remembering Dr. Seuss' Hop on Pop. Wish I still had it, but it was probably donated long ago. We all loved that book, and many years ago our son and I both loved Hopping on our Pop in play.
But today, the hopping was from place to place. So, with apologies to Seuss, today's hopping has stopped and we are glad, because boy oh boy, what a day Dad had.
But today, the hopping was from place to place. So, with apologies to Seuss, today's hopping has stopped and we are glad, because boy oh boy, what a day Dad had.
Radiation Treatment - Day Six
Day 6 was yesterday. After a weekend full of nearly debilitating pain, The Ex was better yesterday... more mobile, more alert, just better all around. That is, until he decided to butcher a beef tenderloin down into steaks and roast and scraps.
It was too much for him -- standing to cut that meat, and I thought it was gross too, to fill the kitchen and counters with all that red meat and blood. Yuck. Maybe now that I'm here, he won't do that again.
He's decided to stop using the Duragesic patches and stick to Oxycontin (which we can still get) for long term pain relief. (He's using delaudid for breakthru pain, since we cannot get Oxycodone anymore).
The patches made him slurry and forgetful. And not just a little forgetful, either.
Sunday evening at dinner, The Ex asked where our son was. When I replied that our son was away at college, he had apparently forgotten that, and from time to time, he forgets that we are divorced. He forgets what day it is, where the next appointment is, when he last took meds, but I try to keep him on track with post-it notes on his desk and a log of which meds he took and when.
He's going to try to work some today. Work, Work, Work. If I am ever diagnosed with terminal cancer, I think I will quit working that very day and spend the rest of my time enjoying the life I have left.
I'm hoping my Ex will make that decision on his own, before his company has to let him go. They've been so nice so far, letting him work as he can, but in this economy, I can't imagine any company will be inspired to keep a guy who cannot perform his job, despite the cause.
Our son was with us again last Saturday and witnessed The Ex's worse day to date. I felt sure it was time to get out a rolling walker or a wheel chair and it worried our son terribly to see his father in such pain. But The Ex will not consider using a walker or a wheelchair because THOSE are for disabled people. He doesn't see himself as disabled. He sees himself as a guy with a back condition that hurts when he walks.
I have changed our diet to include more veggies than meat, since The Ex has complained of constipation. I try to include all kinds of veggies, nuts, seeds and other tasty little nutrients. Yesterday I made terragon chicken salad for lunch, and stirfry veggies and brown rice for dinner.
Today is a big day. We have radiation at 2:30 and a brain scan at 3:30. Results of the brain scan will determine if The Ex will consider chemo therapy or not. Our Onco doc, at first, said not to bother with chemo, I'm pretty sure because she feels he is just filled with mets.
But The Ex and I decided, if his brain scan is clear of mets, he will try chemo... he'd really like to make it to our son's 21st birthday in late June. And just in case, The Ex and our son may take a cruise together at the end of April, while I stay and take care of home and pets.
Members of my family seem to think it would be in terrible taste (and not nice to my current husband) for me to take a cruise with my Ex and my son.
I guess they are right about that, though I had thought I would go if The Ex really wanted me to. But, having given it some thought, I think my family is right, and I don't think I'd enjoy cruising anyway. To me it's just an unknown party that I can't leave if I want... so I'm happy to be here and hold the fort. But The Ex and our son should definitely go somewhere together before it's too late.
Theirs was always a stormy relationship, with Father being too demanding, and son not always working to meet his potential. Nobody cares about any of that anymore.
Life is too short.
It was too much for him -- standing to cut that meat, and I thought it was gross too, to fill the kitchen and counters with all that red meat and blood. Yuck. Maybe now that I'm here, he won't do that again.
He's decided to stop using the Duragesic patches and stick to Oxycontin (which we can still get) for long term pain relief. (He's using delaudid for breakthru pain, since we cannot get Oxycodone anymore).
The patches made him slurry and forgetful. And not just a little forgetful, either.
Sunday evening at dinner, The Ex asked where our son was. When I replied that our son was away at college, he had apparently forgotten that, and from time to time, he forgets that we are divorced. He forgets what day it is, where the next appointment is, when he last took meds, but I try to keep him on track with post-it notes on his desk and a log of which meds he took and when.
He's going to try to work some today. Work, Work, Work. If I am ever diagnosed with terminal cancer, I think I will quit working that very day and spend the rest of my time enjoying the life I have left.
I'm hoping my Ex will make that decision on his own, before his company has to let him go. They've been so nice so far, letting him work as he can, but in this economy, I can't imagine any company will be inspired to keep a guy who cannot perform his job, despite the cause.
Our son was with us again last Saturday and witnessed The Ex's worse day to date. I felt sure it was time to get out a rolling walker or a wheel chair and it worried our son terribly to see his father in such pain. But The Ex will not consider using a walker or a wheelchair because THOSE are for disabled people. He doesn't see himself as disabled. He sees himself as a guy with a back condition that hurts when he walks.
I have changed our diet to include more veggies than meat, since The Ex has complained of constipation. I try to include all kinds of veggies, nuts, seeds and other tasty little nutrients. Yesterday I made terragon chicken salad for lunch, and stirfry veggies and brown rice for dinner.
Today is a big day. We have radiation at 2:30 and a brain scan at 3:30. Results of the brain scan will determine if The Ex will consider chemo therapy or not. Our Onco doc, at first, said not to bother with chemo, I'm pretty sure because she feels he is just filled with mets.
But The Ex and I decided, if his brain scan is clear of mets, he will try chemo... he'd really like to make it to our son's 21st birthday in late June. And just in case, The Ex and our son may take a cruise together at the end of April, while I stay and take care of home and pets.
Members of my family seem to think it would be in terrible taste (and not nice to my current husband) for me to take a cruise with my Ex and my son.
I guess they are right about that, though I had thought I would go if The Ex really wanted me to. But, having given it some thought, I think my family is right, and I don't think I'd enjoy cruising anyway. To me it's just an unknown party that I can't leave if I want... so I'm happy to be here and hold the fort. But The Ex and our son should definitely go somewhere together before it's too late.
Theirs was always a stormy relationship, with Father being too demanding, and son not always working to meet his potential. Nobody cares about any of that anymore.
Life is too short.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Five
First thing today, we went to view the "open MRI" -- a different "open MRI" than the one before. Let me tell you all, none of them are "open." And if you don't like being engulfed by a magnetic tube 5 inches from your face, you probably won't enjoy the "silence of the lambs" headgear for brain scans much either.
Granted the head thing has mirrors so you can look up and still see out of the tube, but the "silence of the lambs" reference came from my patient, not from my own sick little brain. Though I wish I had thought of it first, because he is right -- the head thing is creepy.
Every day we go to radiation therapy, the Ex has a new name for it. Radar Love. Dayglo charging. Zap therapy. His sense of humor is always good early in the day.
After an uneventful therapy, we went to look at cancer cure books in the bookstore. I was looking for a book on how best to support a terminal cancer patient. He looked at books on cures. Juicing. Detoxifying. Bean sprouts. His pain was getting to him, so we left without buying any books.
When we got home, I began my daily routine of calling pharmacies, looking for deliveries of oxycodone. No luck. Called the doc again because the pain situation was becoming severe, the Ex was then without relief from "breakthrough pain."
He started the slurry patches... uh, I mean, Duragesic 100 mcg last night. I called the doc's answering service again and asked for a return call, and this time, she actually called back.
With no oxycodone anywhere, we're switching to delaudid. She recommended that he up his patch dosage to wearing two at once.
I hear him in the other room, trying to get around... Oww! Oww! Oww! he says, to no one in particular. Every move he makes hurts.
I'd have to say he hurts now more than he did before the radiation treatments began, but that could be due to all this changing of meds. I've read that withdrawal from oxycodone is actually painful. If he's experiencing that, too... my goodness. I cannot even imagine his pain. Or how he wakes up every day and gets through his job, knowing -- or at least feeling at this time -- his remaining days will ALL be painful, and few.
He's wearing a back brace tonight. It looks like a torture device to me, but he said it gives him support and helps his back pain. I see he is suffering flashes. I know these symptoms all too well. At least we can have that one discomfort in common. One of us is always hot or cold.
I'm glad we don't have to go to radiation tomorrow, or the pharmacy, though I'd happily go to the pharmacy if they got some oxycodone in for the Ex. Radiation isn't too bad, as doctor's visits go, but it is odd for me to be going anywhere at the same time every day, and I am grateful for the break in routine.
I'm still glad I'm here, though I miss my other family. I don't know how he got by this long on his own. He didn't eat dinner tonight (then again, I didn't make any! ;-/ , but we did have a nice lunch in a restaurant this afternoon -- he had chicken caesar salad. Tonight, I made some brownies. Maybe that will help his appetite.
Our son might come home from school this weekend. He likes brownies, too. And I know his dad will be glad to see him.
So, good riddance Day Five. We shall resume our battle against cancer pain on Monday. Meanwhile, we'll just cope.
Granted the head thing has mirrors so you can look up and still see out of the tube, but the "silence of the lambs" reference came from my patient, not from my own sick little brain. Though I wish I had thought of it first, because he is right -- the head thing is creepy.
Every day we go to radiation therapy, the Ex has a new name for it. Radar Love. Dayglo charging. Zap therapy. His sense of humor is always good early in the day.
After an uneventful therapy, we went to look at cancer cure books in the bookstore. I was looking for a book on how best to support a terminal cancer patient. He looked at books on cures. Juicing. Detoxifying. Bean sprouts. His pain was getting to him, so we left without buying any books.
When we got home, I began my daily routine of calling pharmacies, looking for deliveries of oxycodone. No luck. Called the doc again because the pain situation was becoming severe, the Ex was then without relief from "breakthrough pain."
He started the slurry patches... uh, I mean, Duragesic 100 mcg last night. I called the doc's answering service again and asked for a return call, and this time, she actually called back.
With no oxycodone anywhere, we're switching to delaudid. She recommended that he up his patch dosage to wearing two at once.
I hear him in the other room, trying to get around... Oww! Oww! Oww! he says, to no one in particular. Every move he makes hurts.
I'd have to say he hurts now more than he did before the radiation treatments began, but that could be due to all this changing of meds. I've read that withdrawal from oxycodone is actually painful. If he's experiencing that, too... my goodness. I cannot even imagine his pain. Or how he wakes up every day and gets through his job, knowing -- or at least feeling at this time -- his remaining days will ALL be painful, and few.
He's wearing a back brace tonight. It looks like a torture device to me, but he said it gives him support and helps his back pain. I see he is suffering flashes. I know these symptoms all too well. At least we can have that one discomfort in common. One of us is always hot or cold.
I'm glad we don't have to go to radiation tomorrow, or the pharmacy, though I'd happily go to the pharmacy if they got some oxycodone in for the Ex. Radiation isn't too bad, as doctor's visits go, but it is odd for me to be going anywhere at the same time every day, and I am grateful for the break in routine.
I'm still glad I'm here, though I miss my other family. I don't know how he got by this long on his own. He didn't eat dinner tonight (then again, I didn't make any! ;-/ , but we did have a nice lunch in a restaurant this afternoon -- he had chicken caesar salad. Tonight, I made some brownies. Maybe that will help his appetite.
Our son might come home from school this weekend. He likes brownies, too. And I know his dad will be glad to see him.
So, good riddance Day Five. We shall resume our battle against cancer pain on Monday. Meanwhile, we'll just cope.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Four
Today was the quickest trip ever. No one forgot our names, we didn't have to wait, I was able to get back to work with only about an hour break.
The Ex had a rough day, though, I think. We are finally out of oxycodone -- there is none in our community anywhere. He started the Duragesic patch last night, actually insisted on two, but I was able to peel one off of him after he fell asleep.
The Ex had a rough day, though, I think. We are finally out of oxycodone -- there is none in our community anywhere. He started the Duragesic patch last night, actually insisted on two, but I was able to peel one off of him after he fell asleep.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Three
Today was one of those days where nothing goes right.
Sorry. I shouldn't be so negative. Let's say ALMOST nothing went right.
I messed up an appointment date and we ended up at the oncologists office a day ahead of our appointment. They saw us anyway, and would it have been too much for the receptionist to have accepted blame for my error? :-) She was very smiley when she insisted it was my error. Don't you love that in customer service?
Sorry. I shouldn't be so negative. Let's say ALMOST nothing went right.
I messed up an appointment date and we ended up at the oncologists office a day ahead of our appointment. They saw us anyway, and would it have been too much for the receptionist to have accepted blame for my error? :-) She was very smiley when she insisted it was my error. Don't you love that in customer service?
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Radiation Treatment - Day Two
Today didn't go as well as yesterday. The Ex is either distant in thought, or increasingly drug-fogged, or perhaps both.
We went to the radiation appointment and returned home for a homemade bean soup lunch. The Ex had two pretty good sized bowls and several pieces of fresh sourdough bread and butter.
He went back out to work after lunch, but returned an hour or so later, exhausted. At least I hope he was just exhausted and that I haven't poisoned him with my cooking!
We went to the radiation appointment and returned home for a homemade bean soup lunch. The Ex had two pretty good sized bowls and several pieces of fresh sourdough bread and butter.
He went back out to work after lunch, but returned an hour or so later, exhausted. At least I hope he was just exhausted and that I haven't poisoned him with my cooking!
Monday, March 16, 2009
Radiation Treatment, Day One
Today's radiation treatment went well. I didn't hear too much groaning from pain when he was placed on the table, or when he got up.
He honestly didn't need me there, but he still said he was glad I came. It's certainly no burden to go.
The radiation folks gave back the CDs of his CAT and PET scans today.
He honestly didn't need me there, but he still said he was glad I came. It's certainly no burden to go.
The radiation folks gave back the CDs of his CAT and PET scans today.
Our Journey Begins
Three weeks ago, after an MRI to diagnose back pain, docs found a tumor on my 54-year-old ex-husband's spine.
Results of needle biopsy Feb. 23rd revealed a met mass, and a CAT and PET scan were ordered.
On Wed., March 11, 2009 we were told that this is extensive Stage 4 cancer with SCLC. Some say you can't have stages with SCLC, but in our oncologist's explanation, the stages signified the sizes of the masses, with less than 2 cm being Stage 1.
Results of needle biopsy Feb. 23rd revealed a met mass, and a CAT and PET scan were ordered.
On Wed., March 11, 2009 we were told that this is extensive Stage 4 cancer with SCLC. Some say you can't have stages with SCLC, but in our oncologist's explanation, the stages signified the sizes of the masses, with less than 2 cm being Stage 1.
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