Feeling poorly about this blog long after deployment ended

I haven't posted here in a year and a half. We got past the ugly and after Ex died, we left it all behind. Except for the sad. We brought that back with us.

I came here to this blog today to see about deleting it. I couldn't even remember how to log-in.

Now that I'm here looking back, these last few posts are difficult to revisit. I don't want to dash the hopes and dreams of other caregivers. I don't want to go back there. But I don't want it to go away and be lost forever.

So, until I figure a more permanent way to memorialize my experiences, I suppose this blog will stay up, because even though my "deployment" as a caregiver is over, the sad remains.

Dying stinks

I hate this. The house is dirty. The patient stinks. He's not mean today but that could change at any minute.

I'm grateful for hospice, but I am frankly sick of all this sickness.

How's this going to happen?

Those of you up north won't appreciate this complaint much, and I'm sorry. But, it is 45 here, outside. Inside, it's 104.

There is still enough will inside Ex to give him the strength to get out of bed, WALK TO THE THERMOSTAT, and turn it up to 105.

Turnabout is their say

Today, for the first time, my personal boat was rocked by a post from someone who is now NED. I had to think for a while. What *is* it about this post that makes me feel so bad?

NED! NED! NED! She's was so happy, she was climbing the walls and wanted to be peeled off.

It's getting harder to stay strong

This is the place where I can say whatever I want. I can be negative here if I want. I need to be negative somewhere; somewhere I won't be attacked for being honest -- so I don't dash the stars of all those people who still have hope, the ones who are determined to be cured.

We started with no hope and it's gone downhill from there. I can hardly believe I've been caring for my Ex, mostly, for the past 10 months. I thought he was so sick when i first got here, i could hardly believe he'd been living on his own (and working) as long as he had.

Today is much better

Ex seems to be feeling better today. I sent him an email, all the way from my desk to his about 20 feet away. Said "I know you are mad at your situation and not at me. I hope you feel better soon."

And he replied, "Thanks, I needed to hear that."

He is nesting, or perhaps un-nesting. Cleaning up his desk and getting papers in order, working through the things he needs to work through while he can work through them.

He moves slowly. All the muscle tone is gone from his former-linebacker legs. But he's moving, and he's getting things done.

The sun is finally out today. Maybe Ex would like me to drop him off at the grocery. ;-)

Today sucked

Today's going down in this blog as one of the all-time worst. Ex's demeanor was meaner than ever, he's had a chip on his shoulder all day. He's got cancer, dammit, and he is mad!

He hasn't eaten, hasn't had much to drink. If he's awake, he's mad and if he's asleep, well... I guess he's not.

It didn't go well at chemo today. You can read about that over on inspire.com if you like. Another long one over there -- sorry about that.