Dying stinks

I hate this. The house is dirty. The patient stinks. He's not mean today but that could change at any minute.

I'm grateful for hospice, but I am frankly sick of all this sickness.

How's this going to happen?

Those of you up north won't appreciate this complaint much, and I'm sorry. But, it is 45 here, outside. Inside, it's 104.

There is still enough will inside Ex to give him the strength to get out of bed, WALK TO THE THERMOSTAT, and turn it up to 105.

Turnabout is their say

Today, for the first time, my personal boat was rocked by a post from someone who is now NED. I had to think for a while. What *is* it about this post that makes me feel so bad?

NED! NED! NED! She's was so happy, she was climbing the walls and wanted to be peeled off.

It's getting harder to stay strong

This is the place where I can say whatever I want. I can be negative here if I want. I need to be negative somewhere; somewhere I won't be attacked for being honest -- so I don't dash the stars of all those people who still have hope, the ones who are determined to be cured.

We started with no hope and it's gone downhill from there. I can hardly believe I've been caring for my Ex, mostly, for the past 10 months. I thought he was so sick when i first got here, i could hardly believe he'd been living on his own (and working) as long as he had.

Today is much better

Ex seems to be feeling better today. I sent him an email, all the way from my desk to his about 20 feet away. Said "I know you are mad at your situation and not at me. I hope you feel better soon."

And he replied, "Thanks, I needed to hear that."

He is nesting, or perhaps un-nesting. Cleaning up his desk and getting papers in order, working through the things he needs to work through while he can work through them.

He moves slowly. All the muscle tone is gone from his former-linebacker legs. But he's moving, and he's getting things done.

The sun is finally out today. Maybe Ex would like me to drop him off at the grocery. ;-)

Today sucked

Today's going down in this blog as one of the all-time worst. Ex's demeanor was meaner than ever, he's had a chip on his shoulder all day. He's got cancer, dammit, and he is mad!

He hasn't eaten, hasn't had much to drink. If he's awake, he's mad and if he's asleep, well... I guess he's not.

It didn't go well at chemo today. You can read about that over on inspire.com if you like. Another long one over there -- sorry about that.

New post over at inspire

Ex took a spill today, but he's "fine." I posted about it over on Inspire.com.

I dunno about this posting in two places. I guess it will be good in some circumstances, but I don't know if I have enough interesting things to write to keep that journal and this blog flowing.

Guess this one has its purpose, if only to let you know that I just posted another long one on www.Inspire.com.

So far, so good. All we need is a few more computers.

Ex is still feeling pretty good. I don't notice any side effects at all. We had the distraction of an upgrade to our phone and internet connection today, and that helped. We've been up to our elbows in computers all day.

Here we go with Topotecan!

Topotecan will be the course of chemo Ex starts today. 30-minute infusion, on Tuesdays until further notice.

Ex, as usual, is a little apprehensive, but he is feeling pretty well today, at least well enough to make it to the treatment center.

I'll try to post a little each day about how it goes.