Feeling poorly about this blog long after deployment ended

I haven't posted here in a year and a half. We got past the ugly and after Ex died, we left it all behind. Except for the sad. We brought that back with us.

I came here to this blog today to see about deleting it. I couldn't even remember how to log-in.

Now that I'm here looking back, these last few posts are difficult to revisit. I don't want to dash the hopes and dreams of other caregivers. I don't want to go back there. But I don't want it to go away and be lost forever.

So, until I figure a more permanent way to memorialize my experiences, I suppose this blog will stay up, because even though my "deployment" as a caregiver is over, the sad remains.

Dying stinks

I hate this. The house is dirty. The patient stinks. He's not mean today but that could change at any minute.

I'm grateful for hospice, but I am frankly sick of all this sickness.

How's this going to happen?

Those of you up north won't appreciate this complaint much, and I'm sorry. But, it is 45 here, outside. Inside, it's 104.

There is still enough will inside Ex to give him the strength to get out of bed, WALK TO THE THERMOSTAT, and turn it up to 105.

Turnabout is their say

Today, for the first time, my personal boat was rocked by a post from someone who is now NED. I had to think for a while. What *is* it about this post that makes me feel so bad?

NED! NED! NED! She's was so happy, she was climbing the walls and wanted to be peeled off.

It's getting harder to stay strong

This is the place where I can say whatever I want. I can be negative here if I want. I need to be negative somewhere; somewhere I won't be attacked for being honest -- so I don't dash the stars of all those people who still have hope, the ones who are determined to be cured.

We started with no hope and it's gone downhill from there. I can hardly believe I've been caring for my Ex, mostly, for the past 10 months. I thought he was so sick when i first got here, i could hardly believe he'd been living on his own (and working) as long as he had.

Today is much better

Ex seems to be feeling better today. I sent him an email, all the way from my desk to his about 20 feet away. Said "I know you are mad at your situation and not at me. I hope you feel better soon."

And he replied, "Thanks, I needed to hear that."

He is nesting, or perhaps un-nesting. Cleaning up his desk and getting papers in order, working through the things he needs to work through while he can work through them.

He moves slowly. All the muscle tone is gone from his former-linebacker legs. But he's moving, and he's getting things done.

The sun is finally out today. Maybe Ex would like me to drop him off at the grocery. ;-)

Today sucked

Today's going down in this blog as one of the all-time worst. Ex's demeanor was meaner than ever, he's had a chip on his shoulder all day. He's got cancer, dammit, and he is mad!

He hasn't eaten, hasn't had much to drink. If he's awake, he's mad and if he's asleep, well... I guess he's not.

It didn't go well at chemo today. You can read about that over on inspire.com if you like. Another long one over there -- sorry about that.

New post over at inspire

Ex took a spill today, but he's "fine." I posted about it over on Inspire.com.

I dunno about this posting in two places. I guess it will be good in some circumstances, but I don't know if I have enough interesting things to write to keep that journal and this blog flowing.

Guess this one has its purpose, if only to let you know that I just posted another long one on www.Inspire.com.

So far, so good. All we need is a few more computers.

Ex is still feeling pretty good. I don't notice any side effects at all. We had the distraction of an upgrade to our phone and internet connection today, and that helped. We've been up to our elbows in computers all day.

Here we go with Topotecan!

Topotecan will be the course of chemo Ex starts today. 30-minute infusion, on Tuesdays until further notice.

Ex, as usual, is a little apprehensive, but he is feeling pretty well today, at least well enough to make it to the treatment center.

I'll try to post a little each day about how it goes.

Thanksgiving casserole; much like life

Our Thanksgiving holiday started on Wednesday with my company's holiday meal at a Japanese steakhouse in Melbourne, FL, about 45 miles north.

Ex accompanied me, and although he didn't hear much and he didn't know anyone, the food was good and cook was entertaining, despite the unappetizing spindle of a tooth he sported as he twirled knives, grilling tools and squirt-bottles of steamy sauces on the grill.

Quick update - :-)

By popular demand, here's a quick update.

All arrived safe. Thanksgiving was VERY loud (happy loud) for a group of 8, I thought, but my turkey turned out great. I made note of a few key learnings:

All home, all safe

All my family members are home and resting comfortably. :-) The meeting between The Ex and The Hub went very well. Ex is already enjoying his birthday. Hub is sleeping in after his 15 hour tour of I-95 yesterday. Today is a big day of turkey, lamb, fixin's, friends, family and fun.

God bless us, one and all -- and that includes YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving!

He's almost here! What will this meeting be like?!

Hubby is about 30 minutes away from Exville!

What will it be like when he meets The Ex? I'm ready to cry already and it hasn't even happened yet!

Hubby hit the road this a.m. at 4:30, arriving here at 7 p.m. He rode the front all the way from SE Virginia to south-central Florida. He's finally in Florida, and it's going to feel like Virginia here tomorrow. Oh well. We can live with that.

I'm off to clean something, or pace.

Big day; little time

Well, just as I feared, no one showed up to clean the Ex's house yesterday or last night while I was sleeping. I didn't get very far on the kitchen, but I do have my dressing bread all dried, and the mixin's all ready; creamed peas ready too. Today, Ex and I have a holiday luncheon with my company, and then come home to finish cleaning, brine the turkey, wash/peel/cook potatoes, and make the relish trays.

Cancer hog saw his shadow, at least 10 more weeks of chemo

Ex saw his oncologist today, and has decided to begin a new course of treatment, prescribed 1x per week. Something called Topotecan.

He seems to be getting along ok, now that radiation sickness has abated.

Son's computer emergency makes for a good day

Something bad happened to our son's computer -- it lost power while installing something, and then it wouldn't boot, wouldn't repair itself, couldn't restore, all restore points and the entire 'D' drive partition -- gone!

Getting better all the time!

Ex is about 50 percent better today! I might've slept a little too late. He was very ready for breakfast by 8:30!

His thinking is clear; he's busy on a project -- probably something to do with our son's recently slain laptop. Our son may be one of the very few to have two computer technicians and a boatload of parts and software at home. He only has to drive 120 miles to get here. Praying for safe travels. Weather looks good. He'll be fine. (Pray anyway, please). :-)

It's kind of liberating to be blogging. I can say suzyyyy_123 or kate_123 if I want to. :-)

Son's on the way home, and I've got to get this house ready for Thanksgiving. As my mother used to say, "We're expecting 8 or 20." It's Ex's birthday. His crazy friend's sisters are coming; one is an ex-girlfriend bringing her husband. And then my husband will be here. So many exes it perplexes the whole day, but I am truly looking forward to the insanity. I am not looking forward to saying the blessing. I am sure I can't get through it. Volunteers? Anyone?

Thank you for reading my blog. I hope you will come back soon.

Today is a new day, and a new blog

I am my Ex's caretaker. He has extensive Small Cell Lung Cancer with mets to spine, hip, brain, liver, lymph nodes and adrenal glands.

I've been keeping an online journal in another location since last March. I plan to copy those journal entries into this blog with their actual posting dates.

I will not be allowing comments to my older posts as I copy my journal postings to this blog.

I will allow followers of this blog to post on new posts that come subsequently, such as this one.

Ex Brain Radiation ends at 13: He's had enough

Oh, what a night. He (we) were up and down all night last night.

He was weak, unstable, barfy, hot, cold, drooly, and gurgling. It was downright scary. And frustrating. I forgot what sleep deprivation does to your demeanor.