Ex Brain Radiation ends at 13: He's had enough

Oh, what a night. He (we) were up and down all night last night.

He was weak, unstable, barfy, hot, cold, drooly, and gurgling. It was downright scary. And frustrating. I forgot what sleep deprivation does to your demeanor.



One thing I found particularly disturbing, as he was teetering on the edge of the couch, was his tendency to prop himself up with his chin on his cane. I'd look over and he'd be asleep, with that cane under his throat!

So, I'd wake him and tell him to move the cane, and every time, he says, "i'm fine."

"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." This is his battle cry.

"I'm fine." It's two words that I have to yell about sometimes. "YOU ARE NOT FINE, DAMMIT, AND IF YOU JUST TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL, WE CAN FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!"

We finally got to sleep around 3, I think, and we met again in the livingroom around 6:30. "HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY," I holler (so he could hear).

For once, he didn't say "i'm fine."

"i feel better," he whispered from his office chair. "but I never want to live through another night like last night."

I leaned over and put my arms around him, and he whispers again, "i'm so sorry i put you through all that."

"It's okay," I say. "It was bad, but it's behind us. Are you up for radiation again today?"

"no," he breathes, "i'm done."

"You can quit anytime you want," I remind him.

"It's early yet," I say, and I tell him I'll ask again a little later, maybe after a few more winks.

At 11:30, I asked again if he wanted to discontinue treatment, and he said yes, so I called and cancelled our next two appointments.

"If he changes his mind, let us know," the office manager said. Not likely, I thought.

Tuesday we meet with the oncologist to discuss further treatment. I have a feeling he may forego further chemo treatment, as well. I called my friend at our local Hospice today, but she's out until Wednesday. Hopefully, I'll be able to talk to her then.

Today, he feels better, he says thanks to a poached egg on whole wheat muffin and a grilled cheese sandwich for dinner. Earlier he said his head feels like it has sinus pressure when he leans over, but he's resting comfortably on the couch, leaning back, thank goodness. No spinning plates to mind tonight.

We got word today that the sisters of Ex's crazy friend -- the one who went on the cruise with him and subsequently passed away in our home the night they returned -- will be joining us for Thanksgiving. They're bringing the green bean casserole, the yams, and the bread. I'll do the turkey, the mashed potatoes and the dressing.

One of the Ex's crazy friend's sisters is also an ex-girlfriend of the Ex. So, the Ex says, for his birthday and Thanksgiving this year, he will host a dinner for his ex-wife, her husband and his ex-girlfriend and her husband!

The motorcycle ride is still in the works. The Angel Rider called today, but I told him this weekend probably wouldn't be best for The Big Ride. He said to keep him posted.

These are strange days indeed.

Since we're not in treatment anymore, I will not continue to post daily, but I will try to write often and keep you all informed.

We have big days ahead, and it's time we made the most of them.