Today is a new day, and a new blog

I am my Ex's caretaker. He has extensive Small Cell Lung Cancer with mets to spine, hip, brain, liver, lymph nodes and adrenal glands.

I've been keeping an online journal in another location since last March. I plan to copy those journal entries into this blog with their actual posting dates.

I will not be allowing comments to my older posts as I copy my journal postings to this blog.

I will allow followers of this blog to post on new posts that come subsequently, such as this one.

Ex Brain Radiation ends at 13: He's had enough

Oh, what a night. He (we) were up and down all night last night.

He was weak, unstable, barfy, hot, cold, drooly, and gurgling. It was downright scary. And frustrating. I forgot what sleep deprivation does to your demeanor.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 13 of 15

This has been the worst day of this current treatment. Ex said he had a headache all night, but I don't remember seeing him out of his bed on any of my umpteen trips to the bathroom last night.

He's been vacant all day. Lights are on, but nobody's home. I feel a little like that myself. I'm sure it shows in this post.

We made it to radiation, and we came home and that's been that. As I worked, he spent half the day sleeping, sitting up in his office chair, and another few hours sleeping in the lounger, and then now, he's sleeping, upright, on the couch.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 12 of 15

Here we go again. Day 12. Twelve down, three to go. Are you as weary of this as I am?

Wait, don't answer that. It's hypothetical. That means I ask, and you think about it, but nobody answers. This means you! :-)

So, for the twelfth weekday in a row, once again, we spent the morning sitting at our computers at our respective corners of the livingroom until Ex can't stand it any more.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 11 of 15

From the time he wakes in the morning until we leave for radiation at 12:30 p.m., he sits as his computer, catching up on emails, checks in on his user boards, checks the sale ads, reads the paper, and drinks coffee.

He doesn't seem bored, but it is sad not to see him dressed in his work attire and fiddling with that cussed hand-held device that used to rule his life.

I know there was a time when I felt the hand-held thing was a monster,

What is the EX paying you to stay with him?

Before it and a few other caustic posts were deleted from my journal, an angry poster wrote, "What is the Ex paying you to stay with him?" (I swear, she wrote this!)

I had to laugh. What is The Ex paying me to stay with him? She was kidding, right? Is there anyone else out there who thinks I'm caring for my Ex-Husband for money?

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 10 of 15

It's seems all the Ex's activity over the weekend -- grilling steaks and laundry, going to Sam's and the grocery -- caught up to him today.

He seemed especially tired and quiet, and more off balance than usual. His thinking is cloudy.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 9 of 15

The Ex seemed a little more himself today. He made Eggs Benedict (of all things!), for breakfast and served me at my desk (a 2x4-ft folding table against a window in the livingroom). It was delicious.

Radiation went smoothly and Ex announced his plans for grocery shopping after his treatment.

The Ex lives for grocery shopping. He takes his coupons and scrutinizes every label, assessing each product's value as if the can would explode and kill half the population if the selection turns out not to be the absolute best value on the shelf.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 8 of 15

Seems like today was a rough one, emotionally.

Ex cried, he got angry, he was quiet and sullen. I have to work hard at not taking any of it personally. It's the steriods, I keep telling myself.

We made it through radiation, a little early, again today. Then we drove to the other side of the universe for a good deal on gas, and then we returned home.

I stay busy with work between outings, but I frequently catch Ex staring off into space. He's all walled in there.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 7 of 15

Not much to report today. We reported for radiation again today, early as usual, but they weren't able to see us until our actual appointment time. We've been spoiled, but the 15 minute wait wasn't too bad.

Afterward, we went to the pharmacy and got his new cane. He chose a plain black one with a cushy handle and he seemed immediately more stable when walking with it.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 6 of 15

We lucked out this morning and were able to bump up radiation to a time right after a visit to the oncology doc. She's cut back Decadron (steroid to prevent brain swelling) from four 6 mg doses a day to 3x/day. And next week, she says we'll go down to three 4mg doses.

I guess steriods are good for this purpose, but over time, docs say they contribute to irritability and weakness. We don't need any more of that!

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 5 of 15

Today, Monday, is day 5 of 15 zaps of radiation. That seems wrong right there, but we started on a Tuesday.

So, when last we met, we had the visit of the Three Angels, and Dad, Son and Mom spent the weekend together. I wish I could say it was all copasetic, but it was more of a fluster cluck.

I can't go into all what happened this weekend because it distracts from our topic... Caring for Ex in Exville.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 4 of 15

Our formerly-fractured, now ducktaped-together family -- Dad, Son, and Mom -- all trooped to radiation today. At Ex's request, Son and I watched the make-ready procedure in the radiation room.

They place a stiff mesh mask with markers at the nose and ears over his face. Though his actual treatment is 46 seconds, prep time and zap time combined make his head look a little like a formerly mesh-wrapped ham when he first emerges from the treatment room.

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 3 of 15

This third day of radiation seemed to start roughly, but later, just like in "The Christmas Story," we were visited by three angels.

Prior to treatment, we were frustrated by the beauracracy as we worked together to get something (anything!) resolved concerning his employment, insurance, and continued care.

We finally got through to HR (human resources) at his company, and from there to their insurer,

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 2 of 15

Today was a better day than yesterday. We were ready for radiation an hour early due to an errant clock that has still not reset itself back to standard time.

We used the extra time to stop at the Post Office and the hearing aid place, and then arrived early at our radiation appointment, and The Ex was treated early, too. We were out of there before our 1 p.m. appointment even started!

We made a little progress on his efforts to go on short-term disability. He really wants to work,

Ex's Brain Radiation, Day 1 of 15

"Today is the first day of the rest of my life," he announced in a whisper when he emerged from his bedroom this morning. "Yep," I said. "Let's make it a good one!"

We met with the Radiation Oncologist before the first treatment to The Ex's newest tumor, located in his cerebellum. The Ex had requested the meeting, but did not tell me what he planned to ask.

When the doctor came in, The Ex asks in a breathy whisper, "I want to know why I am here.

Ex_turned_caregiver, bracing for radiation #2

When he stands unsuported, he rocks back and forth from his toes to his heels a little like a drunk, compensating for the sense of balance that seems to have left him; the heartbreaking result of a newly formed met from SCLC to his cerebellum.

He wants to work. Still wakes up every weekday morning and puts on his work clothes. Only now, I have to drive him to his calls

Ex_turned_caregiver, caregiving again

The Ex met me at the carport door when I arrived Monday afternoon, clinging to the doorjam for balance, tears streaming down his face. He emphatically whispered, "I'm so glad you're back," and he hugged me hard.

He's a little thinner, maybe. Certainly more pale. The tumor in his cerebellum is wrecking his balance and his voice is gone.

On Tuesday we met with the oncologist who said results of the last PET scan showed no change. I don't believe there was no change... there had to be SOME change,

Ex_turned_caregiver, going back to Ex

It was just starting to feel like home again. I knew where I was when I woke up and I eventually recovered my memories of where we keep stuff in our home. Our cupboards here are as sparse as the Ex's cupboards are overflowing; truly a lesson in lifestyles.

Labor Day weekend, my husband rented a car, drove all night and met me in Jax, FL, where we

It's been a couple months since I last made an entry in my journal here. I have a lot of excuses for that, but let's remember that this is not a story about me.

I just spent some time re-reading my journal posts. What a long, strange trip it's been!

The Ex is still doing remarkably well. He's had two torso scans since I last wrote, and neither gave much to hoop and hollar about -- mild to moderate improvement in the size of some tumors, lymph nodes and adrenal glands still growing and shrinking.