Those of you up north won't appreciate this complaint much, and I'm sorry. But, it is 45 here, outside. Inside, it's 104.
There is still enough will inside Ex to give him the strength to get out of bed, WALK TO THE THERMOSTAT, and turn it up to 105.
Of course, I'm kidding about that temp. He only turns it up to 80, and he sputters at it in whispers: "GodDAMN it!"
I'm sending our son out for an electric blanket today to keep Ex warm, otherwise we all may perish from heat stroke, here in the "dead" of the Florida Winter.
The Amazing Ex is still breathing, still reacting to his environment, but not my son and me so much. He asks for nothing. He shows no pain.
As if the thermostat issue weren't amazing enough, last night he awoke, walked on wobbly stick legs to the kitchen and made himself a glass of chocolate milk. Two ingredients, one container. A guy in his final stages of life. Pretty amazing.
All he had to do was ask. Ring the damn bell at his bedside. But no.
Our son just got up and said, "He's just barely breathing!" I said, "Yeh, but he just got back in bed after turning up the thermostat," and he was 'there' enough to swear at it -- at me really -- because I'm the one who keeps making it cooler.
And let's not forget the chocolate milk from last night. How much energy must have he expended to go to the kitchen, get out a glass, get out the milk, get out the chocolate syrup, poor them all together and drink it? And all he had to do was ask, or even tell us what he needed.
He still does not to appear to be in any pain. He's just cold. Better now, I hope. And he still doesn't speak to us except to say, "I'm fine."
So I wonder, how is this -- Ex's death -- going to happen? In my mind I have a list of scenarios, but I cannot bring myself to type them, so as not to tempt fate in one way or another.
My son just sent me this link:
http://www.americanchinesemedicineassociation.org/Most%20Cancer%20Patients%20Die%20of%20Chemotherapy.htm
All about how it is chemo that kills, and not the cancer. Very informative, but I am gonna have to help him work on his sense of timing.
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ETC, read your posts on LCA, and now here. I am very disappointed in and angry about the way you were treated by Hospice. They would be out of business here if they don't allow weapons in a home; almost everyone here owns a gun! Guess that's a difference between urban and rural areas. If the doctor had not re-contacted and agreed to continue to provide medical support, you sure would have had a case for "abandonment".
ReplyDeleteUnder all of the circumstances, think the decisions you have made are for the best. And I'm relieved to know that Marty is staying to help.
Love the chocolate milk scenario! And to give you a laugh: my 11 y.o. granddaughter was fixing herself some not too long ago, using Nestle's Quik. She put the powder in the glass......and proceeded to pour the milk into the Quik container!!! She was SO mad at herself AND embarrassed!! Good thing you are using syrup!
Ex being cold is part of the process.....how 'bout a supplemental heater for his room, so that you can turn off the furnace? No need for you to swelter!
Just know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you all. Lynn
I'm glad Hospice reconsidered and decided to return. You can definitely use the support and ex may need pain or anti-anxiety meds as he gets closer to the end.
ReplyDeleteWhen my Mom was sick with lung cancer I also wondered often how death would be for her. She had always been terrified of death long before she ever became sick. In the end, death was amazingly peaceful and seemingly effortless for her. There was no struggle and nothing scary about it. She had been in a sleep like stage for several hours. Her breathing began to slow and within just a few minutes it stopped entirely. I share this with you to give you an idea of what ex's death may be like. Right now it doesn't sound as if he is ready to go. Getting up to play with the thermostat or drink chocolate milk is quite an accomplishment for someone who has been so down and out the past few days. Maybe the chemo and radiation just took a huge toll on his body. I am convinced that the radiation did just that to my Mom, to the point that she could not recover from it.
I am thinking of each of you, sending out prayers, good wishes and hugs. I know how emotionally draining this is and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Any time you need to vent I am more that glad to listen.
Marie