It's getting harder to stay strong

This is the place where I can say whatever I want. I can be negative here if I want. I need to be negative somewhere; somewhere I won't be attacked for being honest -- so I don't dash the stars of all those people who still have hope, the ones who are determined to be cured.

We started with no hope and it's gone downhill from there. I can hardly believe I've been caring for my Ex, mostly, for the past 10 months. I thought he was so sick when i first got here, i could hardly believe he'd been living on his own (and working) as long as he had.

Somebody on Facebook sent me something to post on my status (how nice!). It said, "Dear God, I pray for a cure to cancer." And then, "90 percent of FB users will not post this." And I will be one who won't. Praying for a cure is like praying for pesticides, when we should be praying for a smiting of the bugs instead.

We should be praying for an end to things that cause cancer, and for those things we're not sure about, we should pray those things go away too, just so we err on the side of caution.

As I ride the daily roller coaster of caregiving, I'm reminded of being a mother to my ADHD, but also gifted. son. Just what a mother needs; a hyperactive, multitasking Einstein. When he was well and oh so busy, I'd sometimes wish he'd just calm down a little, but if he ever was calm, like when he was sick, I prayed to have my literally bouncing son back to normal.

My patient will never be active enough to annoy me. His feet will never unswell. The end is coming soon... I say maybe two months. I hope I'm wrong.

I would like to see him quit chemo and start enjoying the time he has left, which i fear is closer than we like to think.

If you came over here to read what I really wanted to say on inspire, but can't because I am not so mean as to scare people or dash hopes -- I thank you, and pray that you won't judge me harshly for my feelings.

But the truth is, there is no hope for cure. Only a prolonging of pain with a blurry view of everydays due to foggy brains, pain managing drugs, and concoctions that propose to bring you to the brink of death in order to kill your cancer, and when you can't take anymore, you stop. Then, as soon as you feel better, docs wanna poison you again.

These are dark days and if you aren't enjoying your days, why do we resist so hard to let go, and go to God, where we don't have to worry about money and bills, sickness and ills, insurance and wills?

I so envy him. Not for his illness, but for the great trip he is going to take, away from here; here in this living hell on earth.

If I knew I were dying, I'd get out more. See people. Do things. And I think I would decline chemo or radiation. Seems like those things only delay departures, and as anyone who travels frequently knows, delayed departures suck. Like trying to fly out of O'Hare.